We talk about red flags and threaten to ghost dudes all day! 👻 We send screenshots to our girls, compare stories, and can spot one from three states away. (Real talk though? It's a talent, lol) But if you only train your eye on what's wrong, you'll miss what's right, even when it's standing in front of you in a clean shirt, holding the door.
So let's flip it babes. Here are three green flags that never make it onto anybody's dating checklist, but absolutely should. Always remember that the small ones count. I would even dare to say... sometimes they count the most. 💚
Here's a test no dating app will ever offer you: watch how the dog, the toddler and the senior citizens react to your guy.
Now that we're grown up and officially "adulting", we've gotten really good at performing. And putting on masks. We can fake a smile, fake interest and fake an entire personality for three dates. But animals, little kids and older folks are the toughest crowd in the world. Am I lying?! 😂 A dog doesn't care about his job title. A four-year-old will talk about her favorite new stuffy, loudly, in the middle of Target. Big Mama and Madea? They've seen it all and have a built-in radar for bullsh**. 😂
There's real psychology behind why this works. Researchers call it thin-slicing: our brains read tiny nonverbal cues (tone of voice, posture, how fast someone moves, whether their face matches their words) in seconds, often before we can explain why. Kids and animals lean on those cues heavily, and they're not busy being polite about it. So when your dog flops over for belly rubs, or your daughter ends up in his lap explaining why she loves her new stuffy, it's a sign his energy, his tone and his body language all read as safe! 🐾
There's a bonus round, too. Psychologists who run experiments with people who have some level of power and influence have found that when people feel like they're the ones in charge, they get worse at picking up on other people's feelings. They can't (or don't) read the room! Now this is a BIG ONE! So basically this means that someone who is patient and gentle with the people who have zero leverage over them (the ones who can't help their career, can't impress their friends and can't be charmed with a good line) is showing you real character, not a first-date special. This one is deep! 🤯
What it looks like: he gets down on the floor to the kid's level. He lets the dog sniff him first instead of grabbing. He gets a kick out of Big Mama's story, asks her to tell the story again, and maybe even asks her questions to get her hyped up to tell another story!
Quick fairness check: some pets are just shy and some kids are just having a Tuesday lol, so one nervous cat means nothing. Look for the pattern, and trust how you feel while you're watching it! 👀
CONFESSION 🙈: My husband is NOT an animals type of dude whatsoever. He's from the Bronx and he did not grow up with pets at home. Yet here we are, we have three pets now (thinking about a fourth... yes, a fourth, don't judge me lol! ) and they just LOVE THIS GUY! Every day when he comes home, the pets and our baby girl Brinley run over to him with so much excitement to welcome him home. We've been together for 11 years total and we added these pets over time. I have 2 dogs and 1 cat, and every single pet I brought home gravitated toward him, snuggled up with him and loved on him without him prompting them to! That's our Cindy in the picture here, perfectly comfy on his lap 🐶 They just warm my heart! 🥰
Anybody can type six words. The green flag is the guy who's still up, phone nearby, and ready to answer the second you text him.
"Text me when you get home" sounds like logistics. Psychologically, it's a bid for connection, a term from relationship researcher John Gottman. A bid is any little move where someone reaches for you and silently asks, "Do you see me? Are you with me?" It can be a question, a joke, a touch, or a request for comfort. Small bids: "Come look at this sunset," or a meme sent at 2 p.m. Big romantic bids: "I'm nervous about meeting your family," "I'd love for you to come to my sister's wedding with me," or "I'm falling for you. Are you feeling this too?" And here's the kicker: in his studies, what mattered most wasn't the grand romantic gestures. It was how the other person answered the bids, big and small. Turning toward a bid means you respond with interest and warmth. Say you tell him you're nervous about meeting his family. Turning toward the bid (aka responding positively to this bid) sounds like, "Come here, they're going to love you, and I'll be next to you the whole time." Turning away is the "mm, it'll be fine" with his eyes still on his phone, or changing the subject to what's for dinner. Turning against is the eye roll or the sarcastic "Wow, dramatic much?" The couples who kept turning toward each other were far more likely to stay together than the couples who kept ignoring or shooting down those bids.
Attachment theory backs this up, too. It's the idea that we all need someone to count on. A secure partner is a safe haven, someone you can come back to when the world feels uncertain, even if the uncertain part is just a dark highway at 11 p.m. When he answers, the loop closes, your nervous system exhales, and you fall asleep feeling cared for instead of wondering if anyone noticed you made it. Psychologists call that feeling perceived partner responsiveness (feeling understood, valued and looked after), and it's one of the core ingredients of intimacy.
It's also a quiet kind of proof. Talk is cheap, but effort tells the truth. Anybody can say "I care about you" on a Saturday night when it's easy and fun. The real proof is the 11:40 p.m. reply, when he's tired, cozy in bed, and could have let it slide. Choosing to stay up for you, when nobody would ever know the difference, shows you exactly where you sit on his list.
What it looks like: he responds even when he's half asleep. He checks in first when he gets home himself. He remembers to do it next time without being asked. The opposite looks like a "k" three hours later, after you've already pictured yourself in a ditch.
This isn't about being glued to a phone 24/7. People have early shifts, dead batteries and different time zones. The green flag is the effort, that he actually TRIES. And when he can't, he owns it: "I fell asleep, I'm so sorry, I'm glad you're safe."
You don't want to share your fries. You'd rather stay in tonight. You want the window seat. Now watch his face.
If he says "No problem" and moves on, with no sigh, no guilt trip, no "but whyyy," and no "fine" that very much means not fine, pay attention. You just watched someone respect your autonomy over something that cost him nothing, and that's a preview of what's coming when the stakes get higher.
Here's the psychology. Reactance theory, from psychologist Jack Brehm, says that when people feel their freedom is being threatened, they push back to get it back. For some people, hearing "no" lands as a threat, and the pushing starts: the pouting, the pressure, the negotiating. I mean, I know us girlies are not so great at taking "no". But this is expected of us lol! But a man pouting and sulking because you said no? Ewe! No thanks! 🙅♀️ Someone with good emotional regulation can feel a little disappointed and still let it go. Meanwhile, research on autonomy (self-determination theory) shows that people thrive in relationships where their choices are supported instead of managed. The one who lets you say "no" without a fight is the one you'll feel safe saying "yes" to.
Tiny no's are also practice rounds. Money, time, family, intimacy, boundaries: every big no starts as a small one. If he can't handle "I don't want to split dessert," that's information about how he'll handle "I'm not ready" or "that doesn't work for me." A flag this small can tell you a lot! 🚩
What it looks like: a little disappointment is human, and "Aw, damn, next time!" is perfectly fine. The green flag is that it never becomes your problem to fix. He doesn't need a reason, he doesn't punish you for it, and the vibe afterward is exactly the same as before you said it.
Try it on purpose: say no to something tiny and see what happens. It's the cheapest little test in dating, and it works. ✅
Standards aren't only about what you refuse to accept (although...girl, keep refusing! 💅). They're also about knowing what you're looking for, so you recognize it when it's right in front of you. When you're clear on the green flags that matter to you, you spend a lot less time negotiating with behavior you already know isn't it.
Write your own list. What would make you say, "Okay... I see you"? Keep it short and honest, and make it about how someone treats you, not how they look on paper. Bonus points if it includes something so small nobody else would think to put it on a list.
Need a place to keep that list? 📓 That's exactly what The Standards Journal is for. It's a buckle-close A5 journal made for your non-negotiables, your boundaries and your post-date debriefs. Start a page called "Green Flags" and write down what you're really looking for. After your next date, go back to the page and check it. Did they show up? Add a second page for the green flags that surprised you. Writing it down makes it a lot harder to talk yourself out of what you already know.
The Standards Journal · A5 buckle-close journal · 9 colors · $34.99
What's one green flag that made you say, "Okay... I see you"? Small ones count. Share this post with your girls and start the conversation. Tell them yours, ask for theirs, and let's raise the bar together.
The Cookie Jar Podcast is coming soon, so stay tuned! 🎙️ Want to be the first to know the day it launches? Sign up for the email list on The Cookie Jar Podcast page. And while you wait, if you want a little self-care to go with your self-worth, browse The Cookie Jar collection at The PNGTV Shop.
Glow hard. GRIT harder. 💖
Disclosure: this post links to The Cookie Jar Podcast page and The PNGTV Shop.
